One of the most common yet frustrating experiences of relationships is the roadblock we hit around communicating. When we initiate a challenging discussion it's more than likely that the other party may not be truly listening. More often than not, they may be defending their territory and preparing their rebuttal while we're still trying to articulate our thoughts.Relationships-whether romantic o
9 Vote(s)
September 12, 2010
Learning how to be heard
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June 3, 2010
Who am I?
Who am I?This question-asked by so many---suggests that there is actually a sensible answer. As if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of self. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more likely that you feel fragile about yourself. There is an inverse correlati
11 Vote(s)
11 Vote(s)
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May 28, 2010
I’m Disappointed, but I’m Okay
There are two very hard things to do in life. But if you can't do them, you're not likely to have a successful intimate relationship.The first difficult but necessary task is holding onto self-value when you don't like your partner's behavior. The second hardest thing to do, which you don't have a chance of accomplishing if you can't do the first, is holding onto value for your partner when you d
7 Vote(s)
7 Vote(s)
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May 21, 2010
Love is a Miracle of Mirrors and Transformation
When love comes upon us like a springtime rebirth from numbing routine, it can feel like nothing short of a miracle. Mediated by quasi opiods secreted in the brain, falling in love can mean "walking-on-clouds" in her presence and aching withdrawal symptoms in his absence. And yet intense emotional states, for all their power, are not the miracle of love.Far more important than how love feels is w
5 Vote(s)
5 Vote(s)
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February 27, 2010
Mad about You: Simple and Complex Jealousy
Simple jealousy starts as a feeling of discomfort at the prospect of losing reward or affection to someone else. In complex jealousy, the prospect of loss feels like unjustifiable self-diminishment; you become smaller and less valuable, because someone is manipulating or betraying you.Simple jealousy motivates reward/affection-seeking behavior - you try to be more cooperative, helpful, or loving,
5 Vote(s)
5 Vote(s)
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February 13, 2010
Is doing the best you can always a good thing?
Is it always a good idea to do the best you can do? Moreover, can we ever be sure that it's really our best? These questions came up recently in a therapy session and catalyzed my looking more deeply into the nature and implications of this common expression.The man with whom I was working felt it essential that they were always doing their best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measu
8 Vote(s)
8 Vote(s)
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February 9, 2010
Emotional Abuse Violates Civil Rights
France now has a law against psychological violence in marriage. I personally loathe government interference in our personal lives. But having treated more than 6,000 perpetrators, victims, and children of emotinal abuse in America, I ‘m convinced we need a similar, though more precise law to protect families.We already have laws to protect strangers and coworkers from harassment, intimidation, a
6 Vote(s)
6 Vote(s)
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November 30, 2009
Marriage Help: Better Living through Cognitive Dissonance
Misinterpreting the message of cognitive dissonance ruins marriages, a fact that totally eludes marriage therapists and relationship authors who promote "getting your needs met."Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort of self-image colliding with reality. Such collisions are inevitable, as self-image tends to be based on values - what is most important to you - while behavior is routinely directed
6 Vote(s)
6 Vote(s)
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November 11, 2009
Anger in Marriage II: Fear of Compassion
One of the clichés of pop psychology is that anger is the most complex emotion. Actually, anger isn't that complicated. Although we've developed convoluted ways of thinking about it, it's really a simple response to a perception of vulnerability, threat, and entitlement. Compassion, on the other hand, can get really complicated, which is why it is so misunderstood.As I described in the first part
5 Vote(s)
5 Vote(s)
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November 5, 2009
Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt
Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more hu
5 Vote(s)
5 Vote(s)
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